The past day has been of great fortune to me. Total chance whereby the timing of it all ended up perfect. There were so many other ways the day could have turned out but everything was planted in place so as to ensure a crossing of fates.

Fag Quest

Fag.

Life is insane.

I'm still awake.

Why.

Hmm.

Late Night Listening

From the socket into the laptop. Another wire from that into the ipod. and ipod into the pair of sennheiser px200s. They are all white and pure.

Connected to that electricity. that power. A power of information; expression. Sending well-timed series of wavelengths into the head. It becomes an extension of your body. The consciousness is in flux and in time with the wealth and depth of the mechanical. Mechanical signals. Signals and signs and communication. Connecting wires. Connecting. It flows into more than just an add-on. When you close your eyes it even envelops you. blocks out the noise as the waves crash and caress the whole body.

And as you do, someone else is in the same state of trance. Many directions. different times, infinite points. On the same plane. A vehicle of elevation. Uplifting and transcending.

Our time started in the LTs and it's ended back in the same place.

It felt like the end of LDP. We were forced to go through something tough. I wouldnt want to do it again because life moves on, but i wouldnt have missed it for the world either.

And it's strange because what i won't have is the assemblies, chapels, teacher intervention, having to chiong work. Looking at how i've tried to escape all those things as much as i possibly could, it doesn't make sense how i'm gonna miss these things.

Maybe it's change. Fluidity that troubles me. 12 years of ACS ended on a rainy morning and lazy afternoon.

The cheesy answer would be remembering the people. 

I guess it's all and im thinking about life. How it's the experiences which define you. No one else will comprehend your personal journey in it's entirety and it works vice versa. So if you want to have that wealth, you've got to scale the mountain yourself.

That's why it hits so hard. Because this is transit. Retrospective and prospective (I liked VPs speech today). and that's why i'm studying so hard to make up for my 12 years of lassitude. Trying to cram the struggle into 3 weeks. I want that struggle. Not a bad deal i know, just hopes it's not too late for my results.

The origin of this source is a blog by Eka Choong (2009) posted onto the world wide web. The purpose of the source is to give personal recollections and reflections of contemporary life as a teenager struggling with growing up.

The value of this source is that it gives an insight into contemporary society and sociological and/or psychological interactions on a very personal level. The limitations of the source is that it is at times vague and cryptic. Moreover it is burdened with personal bias due to the possible promotion of personal agenda. The writer also does not have the benefit of historical hindsight nor perfect knowledge of the situations encountered. Additionally the experiences covered may be too specific to form coherent generalizations.

With question 3 out of the way. . .

As much as i curse the fates, things do seem to pan out like they should. I'd like to live longer just to see how everyone turns out when we reach the back cover. after that i may die happy.

Thoughts of the future like this do swirl in my mind. With 20 odd days to go to get my act together i don't know how i'm going to do it. 23 days to be exact equates to 552 hours. given 5 hours of sleep a day, i'm left with 437 hours. minus 2 hours eating time a day, 391 hours. With 5 subjects to cover, about 78 hours each. Which is about one third of the HL required hours in class of 240 hours. I have to get everything up there in that much time.

the end is a mirror of the beginning. we've been taken out of the classes and put back into the lecture theatres.

how the fuck am i ever going to make IB

i don't like encounters with the dead. I don't know if it's the chill of mortality or whether it is the underlying recognition that whatever the physical is, that's not life. I don't think it's the former when i realize i've gotten over my fear of death. 

it goes beyond the things that make up a body, or even the biological processes of metabolism. It's hard to put your finger on what exactly life is about. But dead things rot and don't do anything so i guess that's what life isn't.

oh golly this is just really great.

whenever retarded things happen in life it's useful to build a working timeline of events to sort out the cause and effect before coming to conclusions over who is to blame. at times though it has the potential to mislead by assuming a coherence in causality and sequence of events.

but knowing people like i do. and we've already established that the individual in question is much easier categorized as typical and treacherous. in fact when it comes to dealing with matters such as these, those two labels are usually one and the same.

so like i said, how shall i be expected to react any differently when extraneous factors only make the job of reconciliation and reassurance that much easier. reassurance in my loss of faith however, is where the sarcasm ends.

up till 5 minutes ago, i had regarded this as a day of doubt. i now regard it as the concretizing of the knowledge that relates to the inherent failings of our social faculties. it is a zero-sum game, a race to the bottom.

i always thought that i'd always be me. (okay that is the most self absorbed sounding sentence i've heard in awhile) but we never realize how much we change. it creeps up on you and all of a sudden you can't fit into your old clothes and you're taller than you're dad.

and i realize if i was faced with an identical situation now, i wouldn't do things the same way. i wouldn't have said certain things and likewise there would be some things i would be incapable of, beyond my power.

it is a realization initially that is pretty troubling because it blurs the sense of i. . . you. We have identities as people but it's so disconcerting that even the self is transient and temporal. But actually i prefer to think of it more as a progression. it gives a basis for the flux of life and a hope for improvement. or it may also be a downward spiral.

i think the funny thing about parents and children are that they're of exactly the same mettle. yet totally different people. imo one of the wonderful trivialities of life.

sigh sigh prelims prelims.

Horseman of war. sigh.

i wanted to invite all my class people to the facebook event for post prom. but everyone disable account. FML.

Anyway

ACS (Independent) Post Prom Party

Date: 24th Nov 2009

Venue: The Attica

Time: 2100 - 0400

Age: 18 and above

Entry: $18

This event is organized by:
Eka 90293098
Ronald 91880769

i say it to mean i surrender everything. everything i'd usually be concerned with. pride, ego, being evil in general. that's a lot.

i'm going to novena to study for real. i have to go auntie's house anyway. my itunes is playing such im worn down i just wanna die music.

im too human today.

i got mildly upset thinking about someone else's problems. i hardly talk to that individual and yeah it's strange. i couldn't ever lean over and say 'hey you alright?' cause i'd be told to mind my own business but i'm actually feeling truly gay.

and of course i'm mulling over my own stuff. i don't know what it is. i cried twice on monday night. maybe i'm just not used to being happy.

i haven't felt like how i should for too long, that when it's come the feelings are simply overwhelming.

how am i suppose to sleep when i get so tickled by the repeated motifs and very apparent dramatic irony.

i amuse myself too easily.

this underscores the past couple of days which have been so turbulent. fuck i need to start studying.

I have this theory that there is a direct correlation between age and drinking problems. Life becomes too sobering and people are just trying to put it back to how it should be.

I think i've got it finally,

You know you say that all the time.

Hiding away in the shadows,

Looking to wait for a day...

Suddenly everything happens,

Summer is all we're waiting for.

This is applies to more than one thing.

I'm free. All that's left is the end.

i'm addicted to the bbc. first top gear. then hard talk.

if i ever had to have a conversation with stephen sackur, i'd piss in my pants.

though i don't agree with richard dawkins he's alright when it comes to dialogue and knowledge and logic. but it's a reflection on stephen sackur who is able to get a certified genius (top 100 brains of the world type) looking stupid and all flustered by getting out-argued. that's respect.

and then mahathir is just a stupid old man. he's so ignorant and foolish.

wow. i am not ready for this mind fuck.

hmm ioc is coming along. but not as fast as i want it to. i will hide under it. if i don't know i've got any problems, nothing to worry about. i would talk about security and guarantees again, but i forget the utility in that as well.

the most recent past is in our blind spot. overlooked, we are scared to consider it history.

but that's what it is. and i'm glad i've gone through such an intense period of my life. that's growing up. it's the immediate past. but it's past.

A fucking gigantic monkey off my back. a monkey that sucks blood life and happiness. there is nothing left.

i'm fucking contented with life right now. everything seems to be coming together.

IOC

Prelims

IBs

Life that is waiting for me.

there are many kinds of love. and it boggles my mind how it compels people to things like faith, duty, sacrifice.

way different outlook on school now. more on this another time.

why is it that things have repeatedly come into my life that have too eerie a resonance to dismiss.

Simply put, i need the 9 in school to watch Dead Poet's Society. Not simply because we're in a school that demands excellence or the parental pressures and the forces of adolescence which pull us in other ways. But the metaphysical journey that the group quite alike in number have traversed for themselves. It can't be done in a class room. Boys take to rituals. And fresh air.

And Robert Frost. And Forbidden Rules. It gets better and better. And growing pains (vices).

was so happy today, sitting by the bay. i think i'm easily pleased but i was left with buddha style happiness. the kind where there is nothing more i want in life.

then i started thinking back to about a year ago. the exclusion. the boat trip. parked in choppy waters. which works as a figurative illustration as well.

special effects are good. but they don't make a movie. i guess using the same logic, sentimentality and romanticism are then considered equal evils in excess. that judgement becomes tougher because those things are a lot more closely tied to the emotions the movie is trying to impart.

anyway i realised i must have been pretty happy of late because my dimples are back in force. it has always been a trademark of my smile because my dad has the same dimples. and when i smile i look like him. it's that really happy smile where my eyes start to disappear. and i only get it when i'm laughing real hard or the kind of exuberant happiness that enables those of magical capability to cast a patronus.

okay enough harry potter references. it wasn't a good movie anyway.

Life isn't a fairy tale. But now and again individuals traverse your path that bail you out or give you that spark for all the fuel that was there, dormant and wasting away. it's too deus ex machina, no causal or effectual link. it just happens like it was meant to, always suppose to.

which gives people belief, purpose, a light to guide the way when all else is lost. because you believe your place is there, set aside for your taking. and honestly such an opportunity would be so foolish to pass up.

i want to die painlessly and peacefully.

but the prospect of a pre-determined death is quite intriguing to me. what would we do knowing that we've got a limited time to continue with our regrets. which actions or words would we consider to be potential regrets, which ones could we live to die with.

what things would we regret not doing. what people would we regret not seeing. what memories would we regret not honoring. what feuds would we regret not resolving. or what the people i hold dear would do for me given such a scenario. the list goes on and i honestly wouldn't know unless i was put in such a position. 

but then again the prospect of an impending death would probably make me do strange things as well. Maxed out credit cards, burning the school, people murdered with defrosted fish stuffed down their throats, and a threesome with twins would probably consist of the stuff i want to do but don't have guts to face the repercussions.

but i realized the emotionally deeper explorations of such a musing are more than pertinent because there's in fact no lack of inevitability over dying. only that we hope it doesn't happen unexpectedly and prematurely, like getting banged down by a bus.

i'm boggled at how a short 5 minute song is going to affect your life so deeply and so profoundly that you're a different person at the end of it. how can it compact enough message to explain how you should live your life, or leave such a deep emotional indent.

maybe it's just the association but i have different songs which naturally bring me back to a time period in my life. i feel different, i think different.

and that's why i do things like send people songs and make mixtapes. cause i'm sharing these little 4mb gems. and i hope it has a similar effect on these people.

anyhow i just slept for 19 hours straight which is as equally mind numbing. i've literally got a headache from sleeping too long. and am so fucking hungry.

i'm going to school tomorrow simply to get a book i left in class. i hope it's still there manszxzx.

i've got my laptop charger though. so alls good.

i had this long blog post about life goals and fulfillment, which included more christmas illustrations. but my internet is wonky and it disappear.

but i've been wanting to settle scores lately. i'm only afraid to do so with the people that matter. because i know after i rage them they'll probably say sorry and i'm really soft when it comes to the people who i care about.

oh and today was fucking funny opposite.

i've a nasty wound on my foot that i self inflicted because i scratched and scratched till the flesh got all raw.

i left my laptop charger at home. and now in boarding i have 2hrs 34 minutes of computer time left.

truth be told, i don't deal well with solitude.

i'm willing to try for a remedy as ludicrous as the song describing it. put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up.

something fresh and pure and rejuvinating. not just to fill me up. not a temporary fix. but to flush out the demons. to cleanse.

because they eat away at me.

p.s. i resent such a label.

i was miserable and hungry. 

now it's time to get to work.

Suck thumb.

i'm doing this out of a moment of weakness. (just got weaker... ashes and wine started playing)

how am i gonna recover. i'm still weak inside and the shell i'm building only perpetuates that fragility like the inside of a snail.

and no one may ever get to see that for a long time to come because i'm set on building this wall. the plastic wall between my heart and you. the iron curtain which gave the impression of might and strength and impregnability. but it only hid the nascent decay from within, and only prolonged the sudden, final and total collapse.

i hope you followed the retrograde progression of songs there. happened totally by chance but yeah. itunes kills. bang.

Look at her face

She's crying
See her disgrace
It's blinding
I hope you figure it out

Look at her face
She's blinded
By her mistakes
It's lying
I hope you figure it out

I wanted you bad
Regretful and true
You looked back in front of me
Completely in view

This kid's got your back
The sunlight is true 
Look back in front of me
Completely anew
I want you to notice

Feeling your styles the causes your blankets that saved me
Over and over and over and over you played me
Afraid of rejection the places we went that defaced me
Over and over and over and over you saved me

Look at her face
She's crying
See her mistakes
They're blinding

I hope you figure it out

I hesitate to say I was bait for you
Could that be something that you all would do
I'd be lying if I did now say I wasn't intrigued
But timing is everything here
And for the moment the 'we' is reprieved
But, as I watch the girl unfold before my eyes,
I discover that I like her

Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

I'm in the dance, and it's a chance,
But stay and watch awhile
I'll be singing a tune just for you with a smile
And maybe, if I'm lucky
You'll tip your hat to me, and you'll discover
That you like her


Would you please get our from under my skin
For I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

Crazy as it al plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close 
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame

Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go, go, go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know

it's an interesting thought to really think about big macro systems like a group of people like one gigantic organism that functions on the collective unison or differences of it's components.

when i do i think of a group of flies who collect together to form a massive city-sized hammer that will be used to level entire communities. if only they were that clever.

Unrelated:

This has got to die
This has got to stop
This has got to lie down
Someone else on top

You can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she

And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely

So why d'you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
It's easier to touch

And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
And do you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?

And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I'm lately horny
So why would she take me horny?

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

This has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

Well you know that's a lie

all the free periods today gave me a lot of time to think. i literally did not do anything in school today but i did accomplish quite a bit for tok.

all the introspection and loss and entropy i've experienced actually led me to realize there is actually not much there at all.

we are scared to die because it means we've got something to live for. i guess it's fair to assume the same once you aren't scared to die. and at the risk of sounding a bit morbid, i've reached that point in my life, and i'm only 18 plus a few months. i'm not suicidal because i haven't really been pushed that far to overcome the unknown of what happens after death. but if some freak accident were to happen i'll ask you not to worry for me because i wouldn't take it that badly either. I feel like a softer world comic.

it's always been a familiar motif in my life that i have to lose something to realize how much i treasure what i've got. but losing my ideals and hope hasn't left much in exchange.

it's at this point where someone will tell me to take it slow, one baby step at a time. and i am doing that. not because it helps me handle this strange thing called life but because i've got nowhere to go and i've lost my vision and won't risk the big leaps i thought i could make for what i held dear.