Monday, July 20, 2009

i'm going to school tomorrow simply to get a book i left in class. i hope it's still there manszxzx.

i've got my laptop charger though. so alls good.

i had this long blog post about life goals and fulfillment, which included more christmas illustrations. but my internet is wonky and it disappear.

but i've been wanting to settle scores lately. i'm only afraid to do so with the people that matter. because i know after i rage them they'll probably say sorry and i'm really soft when it comes to the people who i care about.

oh and today was fucking funny opposite.

10:50 PM

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

i've a nasty wound on my foot that i self inflicted because i scratched and scratched till the flesh got all raw.

i left my laptop charger at home. and now in boarding i have 2hrs 34 minutes of computer time left.

11:31 PM

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truth be told, i don't deal well with solitude.

6:40 PM

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Friday, July 17, 2009

i'm willing to try for a remedy as ludicrous as the song describing it. put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up.

something fresh and pure and rejuvinating. not just to fill me up. not a temporary fix. but to flush out the demons. to cleanse.

because they eat away at me.

p.s. i resent such a label.

4:58 AM

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i was miserable and hungry. 

now it's time to get to work.

1:10 AM

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Suck thumb.

12:17 PM

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i'm doing this out of a moment of weakness. (just got weaker... ashes and wine started playing)

how am i gonna recover. i'm still weak inside and the shell i'm building only perpetuates that fragility like the inside of a snail.

and no one may ever get to see that for a long time to come because i'm set on building this wall. the plastic wall between my heart and you. the iron curtain which gave the impression of might and strength and impregnability. but it only hid the nascent decay from within, and only prolonged the sudden, final and total collapse.

12:09 AM

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

i hope you followed the retrograde progression of songs there. happened totally by chance but yeah. itunes kills. bang.

5:59 PM

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Look at her face
She's crying
See her disgrace
It's blinding
I hope you figure it out

Look at her face
She's blinded
By her mistakes
It's lying
I hope you figure it out

I wanted you bad
Regretful and true
You looked back in front of me
Completely in view

This kid's got your back
The sunlight is true 
Look back in front of me
Completely anew
I want you to notice

Feeling your styles the causes your blankets that saved me
Over and over and over and over you played me
Afraid of rejection the places we went that defaced me
Over and over and over and over you saved me

Look at her face
She's crying
See her mistakes
They're blinding

I hope you figure it out

5:58 PM

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I hesitate to say I was bait for you
Could that be something that you all would do
I'd be lying if I did now say I wasn't intrigued
But timing is everything here
And for the moment the 'we' is reprieved
But, as I watch the girl unfold before my eyes,
I discover that I like her

Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

I'm in the dance, and it's a chance,
But stay and watch awhile
I'll be singing a tune just for you with a smile
And maybe, if I'm lucky
You'll tip your hat to me, and you'll discover
That you like her


Would you please get our from under my skin
For I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

Crazy as it al plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close 
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame

Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go, go, go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know

5:57 PM

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it's an interesting thought to really think about big macro systems like a group of people like one gigantic organism that functions on the collective unison or differences of it's components.

when i do i think of a group of flies who collect together to form a massive city-sized hammer that will be used to level entire communities. if only they were that clever.

Unrelated:

This has got to die
This has got to stop
This has got to lie down
Someone else on top

You can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she

And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely

So why d'you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
It's easier to touch

And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
And do you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?

And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I'm lately horny
So why would she take me horny?

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

This has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

Well you know that's a lie

5:52 PM

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all the free periods today gave me a lot of time to think. i literally did not do anything in school today but i did accomplish quite a bit for tok.

all the introspection and loss and entropy i've experienced actually led me to realize there is actually not much there at all.

we are scared to die because it means we've got something to live for. i guess it's fair to assume the same once you aren't scared to die. and at the risk of sounding a bit morbid, i've reached that point in my life, and i'm only 18 plus a few months. i'm not suicidal because i haven't really been pushed that far to overcome the unknown of what happens after death. but if some freak accident were to happen i'll ask you not to worry for me because i wouldn't take it that badly either. I feel like a softer world comic.

it's always been a familiar motif in my life that i have to lose something to realize how much i treasure what i've got. but losing my ideals and hope hasn't left much in exchange.

it's at this point where someone will tell me to take it slow, one baby step at a time. and i am doing that. not because it helps me handle this strange thing called life but because i've got nowhere to go and i've lost my vision and won't risk the big leaps i thought i could make for what i held dear.

4:13 PM

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i went back to boarding and i'm watching goblet of fire in class.

hmm exciting life.

12:23 PM

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Saturday, July 11, 2009

Of the more trivial things in life,

1. i can't believe Andie Macdowell has been nominated for three golden globes. she's not that pretty (btw i don't know what 80s men saw in their women), she can't act, she's got the vocal range of expression that rivals the automated mrt announcements, and she needs to fix her teeth.

i can kind of imagine what people were going for in casting her, the quintessential perfect girl who doesn't exist. but she doesn't cut it.

2. there is no way the referenced girl in bowling for soup's - 1985 could have memorized every line from st. elmo's fire. that movie is messy man. breakfast club fine. LOTR sure! but no way would anyone commit that much time and effort to remembering every single line from st. elmo's fire. it's not like every line was a classic dialogue moment like pulp fiction.

3. the group needs to watch st elmo's fire together though. (this point not very trivial) especially in this crisis moment.

4. i've completed all my driving lessons. and for the first time my teacher went all soft on me and didnt angst me and told me i'm a very good driver.

6:24 PM

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Friday, July 10, 2009

the most cruel thing happened during driving. i was stunned and my mind blanked out and my instructor pulled the hand-break and i had to complain that my eyes were irritated.

Otherwise, it is decided:

We no longer are people. It is fun.

He is Conquest,
I am War.

6:21 PM

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Thursday, July 09, 2009

bruise and breaken.

but what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

my reality has been checked, the paradigm has shifted.

i just hope it doesn't kill me.

9:32 PM

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This brings fucked up to a whole new level.

4:04 PM

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okay breaking revelation in my life.

i realised i pay it forward a lot.

but as a disciple of history i've actually tried to keep a conscious effort to not pay it any direction. and that's an important thing to keep in mind. one of those big - "how to live your life" ideas.

for example i may have created the next hitler. and i can think of more than one individual this refers to.

7:22 AM

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fuckspider: term of extreme agnst

i slept rather late last night with the knowledge i'd be able to sleep through the morning. but i got woken up at 630 in time for school and i can't get back to sleep. it's so frustrating and annoying. i'm angsting in my bed and the best part is im too tired to do the usual kill of angst things like play dota, go outside walk around enjoy the fresh air. but angted enough not to be able to get back to sleep as well.

but anyway last night i realised how i am very liberal with how i block people. appear offline, block. it's not even like i have a personal problem with the person. or that the person is annoying and will talk to me incessantly. just don't particularly feel like speaking.

then there are other people who i would talk to any day, but i don't wanna look like i'm online 24/7. so i just block and wait for that person to come online, wait awhile then unblock and start talking.

this applies to teachers in some respect. like when i go online in the morning when i keng off school, gotta go in appear offline mode and block the teachers first.

the second category intrigues me the most. like sometimes i get the feeling that i'm blocked for whatever reason. and i don't like it. and it would be just retarded if the other person was as equally self conscious about appearing online. i mean it could be that i'm annoying, talk incessantly, or have angered or committed some other social misdemeanor. but yeah got that feeling when i woke up. and i'm stuck wondering which one it is.

which is pure frustration to ice my cake of a morning. the not knowing is the worst part because i have to guess. fuck i may not even be blocked and am just thinking too much into things. welcome to a day in the sad life of eka choong.

otherwise, i was looking back at old photos. god those were hell good times. the kind of thing that keeps me alive and wanting more, more of that thing called life.

6:56 AM

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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

so today i was just walking walking outside school when i felt extremely uneasy and bent over a drain and just emptied my whole recess. and my friends were really concerned but i only mustered up 'oh umm i just felt like puking'. jokes about how i've not drank in too long aside, according to the most recent facebook note, i'm just blunt. and yeah i just felt like puking.

i do now as well. and i thought i was upset, because thats what i do when i get really upset. i forget to breathe and i puke. its like when neo realised he was in the real world and couldn't take and hurled white stuff onto the floor. 'breathe neo breathe... he's gonna pop!'

but no i took my temperature and measured 37.2 degrees which i self declare is a mild fever. i usually register temperatures in the lower 35 regions. so this is somewhat of a spike. and i feel cold and weak and just totally physically shitty.

it just sucks that i already studied for history. think i'll just tank the test.

12:32 AM

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Tuesday, July 07, 2009

all the socks and underwear you get for christmas will never add up to the big toy you always wanted. even if it costs the same effort and money wise.

 for me it was the gigantic lego castle.

for the christmas that my mother did actually decide to get it for me, i discovered missing pieces immediately after opening the box.

so i should have learnt from that young, tender age that life is just a bitch.

3:15 AM

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Monday, July 06, 2009

during the most recent of my frequent wikipedia trawling, i've discovered a factual error. oh no.

" ranging from the world's driest desert — the Atacama " - this referring to a desert in Chile, South American.

See the world's driest, and largest desert actually exists in Antarctica.

Anyhow this reminds me of a very important question - why don't polar bears eat penguins?

1:45 AM

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Sunday, July 05, 2009

i just had the freakiest most accurate reading of personalities ever. spot motherfucking on. i place all my faith in the crooked really.

which like me is answering questions with yet more questions. ladies and gentlemen, such is life.

5:49 AM

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Saturday, July 04, 2009

i just experienced a moment of pure vulnerability. somehow worse than the email although this one was much more self centered.

i was just shouting out someone come save me come pity me. of course i made no audible sounds, and hoped i didn't fall down the stairs.

1:12 AM

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Wednesday, July 01, 2009

another one of those days i just seem to be physically prone to abuse.

i stumbled backwards and hit my ass on the table leg. just missed the bed which would have been a bearable landing. and that's not even funny. my tailbone sticks out so much i could die. i fell down in school during sec1 and couldnt walk for a couple of days. and my dad thought i was getting bullied.

and then my ear hole is just bleeding for fun. its gonna be great when i go to school tomorrow. so tired. i give up.

11:44 PM

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by the way i want to dress up as an ipod this halloween.

1:47 AM

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besides the fact that i want a car at the end of the year, and i need to be insanely rich when i grow up,

i know i won't be able to live with myself if i'm older and i'm not able to totally spoil the ones i love.

and it's not even a matter that i'm insecure enough that i'll have to buy friends or buy love, that i'll have to spend lavishly in order to please people.

but i can't sing or paint or write poetry to give anything special like that. won't be in a position to name comets or new chemicals after friends and loved ones.

yeah basically im going to regret it if i dont do well in these exams and make it. the problem with school is that i don't see its direct correlation with life. at least now i have something that i can focus for, set my sights on.

1:12 AM

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

okay sorry for the conflicting messages. strangely enough though, this is titled 'game theory'.

2:57 AM

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Monday, June 29, 2009

listening to bittersweet symphony, i just realised a huge irony concerning cruel intentions.

we're suppose to get that warm fuzzy feeling inside when sebastian finally falls in love. with the only girl that is so difficult for him to get.

and i had this friend who made it a point that sebastian was so damn pimp before that. And in the end he died cause he got whipped.

And that is true. But hey the kind of thing he managed to grasp hold of, no matter how short lived and temporal made it totally worth it to just put himself out there as true and simple and naked as he could. the kind of thing people die for. which he did.

up till about half an hour i've always admired the sebastian of old so much more. didn't think the best inspiration would come from this particular movie.

6:29 PM

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luck rhymes with fuck.

i've read through my old blog posts and not pleased with the amounts of fuck that i'm using. It's like the token word in every post. but it makes sense argumentatively here.

while eating chicken chop and chicken cutlet with an ACS Independent exile, we started talking about school food. And on the subject of cravings, of which i had a major one today. Like no kidding i was craving for a hard rock cafe burger soooo badly, but it would be too much hassle and $$ and time to get me a burger. So i turned to mcdelivery online, and just started salivating over the big mac. my order would take an hour to arrive. too long so fuck it i circle lined over to j8 macs and ate the big mac on my walk home.

anyway back to cravings, right now i really cant wait to eat the SAC mee pok. even though i usually think it sucks and just full of vinegar and chewy noodles and not enough fishball. sucks very much compared to the kind of noodles i can get from meng kitchen which is a 2 minute walk from my house. but yeah cravings. my stomach just made a noise. and i also can't wait for wednesday's henry mee.

yeah so much for this unexplainable allure. the kind that wrings knots inside of me and gives me little spasms.

4:12 AM

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

I got really emo as i was leaving the house yesterday.

this old woman came up to me at the bus stop and gave some long sob story about how she no money to take bus although she desperately needs to go somewhere i was just like fuck lah okay fine and went to buy a drink so i could get coins to give it to her. and ended up giving her something like 4 dollars worth in 50c coins. 

she even went all the way to ask me to write down my number so she can return me the money. I mean fuck i already agreed to get conned, you don't have to make me look stupid doing it. but i was feeling nice and just played along.

so as i was waiting at the bus stop i tried to rationalize to myself. Like regardless of whether she uses it to buy cigarettes or whatever, i did it with the purest of intentions. That must mean karma points. She even said God Bless You, so maybe i can redeem discount at the next confession.

Me: oh yar, by the way father, i gave this woman $4
Priest: Very well, you get to do 2 less hail marys.

Then i started to realise that life is never as simple as that, nor anywhere near that easy. And life sucks because it takes and consumes it hardly gives out any freebies anymore. so why am i the only one who's giving out $4 to strangers on the street. 

2:20 PM

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Recently, I don't get good dreams or bad dreams. There used to be those of ecstacy and pure terror. which was fine because i'd eventually wake up. Now it's more thought provoking. whether they belong gates of horn and ivory, it haunts me. of what could be or what could have been.

In other news my day was made early last night. I got into the car and shaun's fucking music could be heard from the inside of my house. RnB we in da hood like that. So i was like fuck lah i wanna listen to pitbull. Some fatman scoop was playing. I turned it down and used my ipod to play I Know You Want Me. Got tired of blasting music out of my headphones and eventually turned the radio back on

AND I KNOW YOU WANT ME JUST STARTED PLAYING.

hahaha fuck i was so fucking happy no kidding.

12:09 PM

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

life is so absurd fuck hahaha i really can't get over it.

1:55 PM

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

see i found the perfect literary depiction of what not to be, with relation to how you should behave as a lady. but is exactly what my sister is becoming. 


ladies and gentlemen, i give you lydia bennett. she bears particular similarities, notwithstanding the vast change in rigid social framework, to the issues of Pride and Prejudice.

Lydia Bennett is perhaps the most headstrong and free spirited of the group. However those admirable qualities are turned on their head in the manner in which she behaves. She is dim-witted and frivolous in her pursuits. Which is shoddy justification for such stubborn stupidity.

Her pursuits are for army boys and monkeys similar to that above. Easily impressed by this kind, not least that he's in the military. Which connotes the ideas that such a woman girl is is enticed by the ideas of an older man, one with authority. Also brings in the underlying qualities that associates with this sort of seniority, the man brings some kind of shallow social prestige. Has probably been with women before, compared the somewhat social inadequacies of Bingley and Darcey. However these women are probably more of the same trash. Who wants that?

But it takes less than an idiot to realise that the latter two individuals are the ones with class, substance, and though wealth may seem like a big factor in which the eldest two of the Bennet sisters have taken to, that is sorely not the case. What makes both couples admirable, is that each partner has self worth that they simply end up good enough for each other. Honest intentions subjugate the actions made, and each likes the other for all the right reasons. The Bennets are by no means a poor family, but neither rich beyond imagination as well. However amongst certain members of that family, there is a quiet dignity that they possess.
 
This sort of implication, which takes its roots from far below the surface, is in direct juxtaposition to the loud, attention seeking and contrived piece of work that is Lydia Bennet. Pleased by such trivial stimulation of the ego, she lacks all the sort of dignity others in her family are so admired for. It is a spiral to the bottom she follows, and is only too happy too acquiesce to such a life.

It is perhaps even more tragic that she should be juxtaposed in this manner. She had a future, had individuals of class amongst her which could have been suitable role models. How unfortunate that she become estranged and the shame of her family at such a young age.

It is beyond my duty to prevent such an occurrence. For there is limited power within my hands, and i am very much someone of pride and prejudice. but that which is significantly warranted. the good kind. It is something which she should learn, lest i guarantee that such a severance shall occur. not even by my own doing but through the self constructed contrivance that her life follows.

[Otherwise the eldest two Bennet sisters remind me of certain individuals which i have great admiration for. Pine.]

12:48 AM

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Monday, June 22, 2009

Peter, how do we get to Neverland?

i'm rather happy because of the champion that is butter factory. okay guys i wasn't there on wednesday. but does thursday count?

1:58 PM

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

I feel like a big O.

The closest thing to a sure-fire results guaranteed thing in this world is what i'll get at the end of my IBs.

for everything else, i'm hell sick and tired from making an effort and chasing the things i want in life but will never come. i can think, i can fast, i can wait. and if i die waiting, it beats the trouble of trying, any day.

5:27 PM

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

Really one fucking thing after another. 

Do i get no fucking respite. Fuck this. Referring to 2 blog posts ago, I've spoken none too soon. Fortune favors the bold. Perhaps, and perhaps I am not that. Fortune brings in boats that are not steered. Definitely. Looking back, that's just how the [fortune] cookie crumbles.

If providence and goodness and hope didn't exist, they wouldn't invent a word such as philanthropy.

They also invented this word called bastard. There's one perched up beyond the clouds and crepuscular rays. Someone for fucks sake tell him to give me a fucking break.

Karma Police, I've given all I can, but it's not enough!
I've given all I can but we're still on the payroll.
This is what you get, this is what you get!

12:43 PM

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chill. it's just life. it's just a fucking joke.

3:41 AM

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Friday, June 19, 2009

history is just one fucking thing after another.

but we are so fascinated by such a subject, obsessed with the ideas of providence, tragedy, karma, justice that it means we ultimately subscribed to the notions of fate and fortune.

of which i have no clue how either is giving me a helping hand.

8:22 PM

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i'm an aquarius and maybe that's why i love the water so much.

4:52 AM

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